Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
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It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.