Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.

[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?

[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]

Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?

Me: ok, fine

SO: don’t get bit!

Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!

Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.

There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.

Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.

*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*

I’m not “passive aggressive”… would a passive aggressive person put glitter in your air vents?

Yeah I go to the gym.

Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.

them: are you talking to anyone?

me: yes, myself. i think we’re really hitting it off

HER: my friend katie is single again

ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up

HER: yes!

[later]

DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!

[Ouija board]

“Hey spirits, talk to us”

W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E

“fml”

hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day

I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.

ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?

BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life

ME: …so that’s a no

☠️ ☠️

dutch is not a serious language

Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?

I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.

Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery

Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.

“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”

has anybody else completely lost it or is it
just me and kanye

If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.

Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor

Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman

[someone breaks into the house]

Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings

My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY

Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules

Things I learnt from Avatar:

– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.

Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it

Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…

[Subway]

ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*