Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
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Adultry does not sound fun at all
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
I don’t have a yoga mat, but I have a Twister mat, and it’s the same thing.
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
The most unbelievable thing on TV is when a killer is in the house and someone hides in empty space under the bed. You mean to tell me you’re not keeping 6 storage bins, three rolls of Christmas wrapping paper, and a box of old papers under there
One time I got so high I couldn’t figure out the pizza ordering app so I ordered a chicken bacon ranch pizza with no chicken no bacon no ranch add tomato sauce add pepperoni add sausage and it was so bad the manager of the place called my personal number
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
so weird how every mom was born today
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
You know I’m something of a chef myself
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.