Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

America has a lot of faults as a country but we absolutely went off with garbage disposals in our kitchen sinks. “just use a food catcher?? scrape the food into the trash???” thank u Europe but we actually put loud finger-ripping chainsaws in our drains god bless❤️

If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.

Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?

I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!

Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.

[Wheel of Fortune]

Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE

Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”

Pat Sajak: “Okay.”

Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”

Pat Sajak: “Okay.”

We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters

[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual looking

ME: Yeah, he’s interbred

DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread

when there are deer in the woods

My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.

Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.

Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”

HIM: I wanna do bad things with you

ME: Like punching old ladies?

HIM: Uh, no…

ME: Stealing from the donation jar?

HIM: God, no! I mean like-

ME: Stroller tipping?

HIM: You know, never mind.

ME: Taking up two parking spaces?

HIM: Goodbye

ME: Putting habanero juice in-

I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.

We’re talking about food, right?

He doesn’t bite he is more into sabotage

For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.

met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏

i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue

[entering the office]

Coworker: How are you?

Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.

Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?

Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.

Mick Jagger and his 8 followers just followed me so I guess it’s my lucky day and this makes 4 Mick Jaggers now the gang’s all here !

Me: I don’t feel well

Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?

Me: No

Mom: …

Me: …

Mom: …

Me: *throws up plastic banana*

even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side

I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.

I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win

the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments

My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.

no one:

my cat: look, i am 56 years old and i used to be homeless so i think i’m entitled to eat just a little plastic,

I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.

We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.