Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Good questions to ask on a first date:

*Do you have any siblings?

*What was your major in college?

*Is that your original skin?

*Do you think the humans suspect anything?

*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?

*What kind of music do you like?

Etc.

I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.

I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.

I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them

Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.

Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.

Watching Escape to the Country. A couple with a budget of 600,000 looking for a house in the Chilterns.

First house: they want the kitchen at the back so they can open it up and extend it. For Hugo.

They want an extra reception room. For Hugo.

They want more space than a 60ft garden offers. For Hugo.

Hugo is one. Yes, one year old.

My resolve to not swear is being severely tested.

Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’

Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’

[First Date]

Me: I’ll just have a salad.

[Second Date]

Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.

I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.

Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”

*first time in a long time at the dentist*

Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.

Me:

Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.

Deathbed confession

Me: We’re bankrupt

Him: What? How?

Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time

ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…

DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion

Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?

Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here

You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?

At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments

Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.

I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.

“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”

safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle

me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor

The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭

I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.

Follow me for more life hacks.

officer: give me your name

me: then what am I going to use?

Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”

I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant

Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.

my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned

I put my pants on just like everyone else.

When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.