Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.

POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it

When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”

Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.

Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.

Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.

I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon

Terminally online people getting ready to drop the VP pick in the group chat the second it’s announced.

Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe

Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent

I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?

This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.

I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.

at ease…shoulder.

Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…

WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children

ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you

This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*

– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁

Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?

Women: 9:45am on Monday at work

Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002

Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.

Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.

People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.

If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.

Are you there, bankrupt business? It’s me, Spirit Halloween.

Me: [cracks open a can of beer]

Priest in confessional: “What was that noise?”

You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion

*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENED

Boss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.

[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.

Doctor: well, we lost him

Widow: *sobbing*

Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there

4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:

12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow

Jack: I want to be nimble

Genie: ok

Jack: and also quick

Genie: ok those are the same thin-

Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle

“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.

Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music