ugh just spilled my starbucks coffee on my phone and now all my contacts are misspelled.
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*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
God, I love Scotland
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
my name if I was in the mob
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
The rain is falling sideways here right now and the biting wind is freezing. Margo from catering has been staring through the window for the past hour, absolutely transfixed. I should probably unlock the door and let her in.
#StormAshley
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids