ugh just spilled my starbucks coffee on my phone and now all my contacts are misspelled.
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[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
Me, as a cicada: Guys we all have to stop talking at the same time.
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?