ugh just spilled my starbucks coffee on my phone and now all my contacts are misspelled.
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My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
staying in a hotel makes me feel like the queen of the world and staying in an airbnb makes me feel like i’m secretly living in the walls of somebody’s house
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
Coffee is ready.
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T