Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
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Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding… Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with
“Welcome back everyone”
We will use anything but the metric system
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
Anyone else just agree with people sometimes so they’ll stop talking?
Wait… Why is everyone nodding their heads?
*child becomes teenager*
Me: is it too late to rethink having children
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
What happens when Batman sees Catwoman?
The Dark Knight Rises
Happy Tuesday