Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.

my premium snap prices:

-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15

[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die

Change is always hard….

Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.

My 4yo screamed at the top of his lungs at 6:45am this morning, we are staying at my in laws, so I said “I’m not sure everyone likes it when you scream like that.” Then, from the other side of the room, my 18mo who last week could barely say 10 words, “Winnie like it”

I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings

being an artist is crazy because you’ll have one friend who just won a Tony, one friend who’s finally juuuust making enough to quit their day job & one friend who’s like “so my new side hustle is birthday party clown”

My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.

I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.

I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁

16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me

*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*

*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*

i love re-reading my favorite book

Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub

Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.

An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google

first date idea we go to marriage counseling

Today’s affirmation:

I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.

Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.

Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.

John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*

Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.

There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.

Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”

what if i hugged you really tight and then loosened my grip slowly and then told you your blood pressure is 140/90

being a social worker is crazy because those are literally my 2 least favorite things

“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”

*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.

Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?

You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.

Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.

Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.

Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscape

Be like Mario.

toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise

ME: What do you want for our anniversary?

WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch

ME: Ok

WIFE: You’re not going to write it down

ME: Nah, I’ll remember

[later]

WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?