Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
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ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
Weird how parrots and I tend to share the same opinions
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
Meow?
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
my first day as a raccoon
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”