Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.

DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah

The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.

Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.

I’m trying to shower you with affection. It doesn’t matter how I got into your bathroom.

Cashier: this coupon expired last week

Me: so did this yogurt

Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.

[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]

What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?

IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*

Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins

(shaved my back and shoulders)

DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.

I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.

Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.

One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.

My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”

Every night at bedtime I do one small ritual: six hours on my cell phone

@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾

Me: We are underbudget this month!

Dog: *eats kid’s retainers*

An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…

Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects

Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again

PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.

[god creating hotdogs]

inflate that worm

uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…

my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist

[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible

[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”

What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?

What they said: Want to go camping?

A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.