Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”

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My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media


I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.


villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!

me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental

v *tearing up*: …you passed


Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.

I checked.


Courtney Love thinks she found the plane. It’s like God doesn’t trust us to write our own jokes.


Dear Stephanie on Facebook,

I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.

I only want to know what channel it’s on.


One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic


My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.


IT: I’m hanging up

Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy

IT: *dial tone*