Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?

NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good

Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.

Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.

Will keep you posted.

Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”

Her:

Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”

Medic: “Step aside sir”

I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.

Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.

Be specific when saying “BYOB”:

[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*

Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.

If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?

Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶

Friend: Cry

Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶

Friend: If you give it some deep thought—

Me: Let me stop you right there.

Fortune teller: Your love life will–

Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?

“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter

Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron

Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?

Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.

A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.

[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right

Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.

I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.

Can’t wait for the next debate, I’m so close to deciding who to vote for.

Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost

MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。

Twister 2:

Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.

They work together.

We can’t beat them.

We team up instead

The twisters destroy ISIS.

[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the body

Me looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?

so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”

When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house

Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.

Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said

I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.