Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
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I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible