ugh not again
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My patronus is a cheeseburger
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.
When you swim in the sea and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
I’d be like “vote for me and i’ll remove all the calories from cheese”…. *mic drop*
I’ve been reading a book about Orville and Wilbur Wright but, frankly, I’m not that impressed. The author is speculating as to why the brothers never got married. Of course they never got married, they were brothers? Idiot
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.