ugh not again
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[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
Good morning
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
i was in the park, setting up my yoga mat, when skateboard punk yolo teens (tripping on fleek pot) stole my dinosaur sketches and fannypack full of cheese
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner