Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
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I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
I love the word “rapscallion”, not only are you a rascal but you’re also being a bit of a spring onion about it too.
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
I tell my kids winning isn’t everything and then I steal money from the monopoly bank.
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
Does anyone else’s spouse insist on eating and drinking in the car while driving?
My wife has spilled so much stuff in her car that it looks like the movie Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs was filmed inside it.
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
Deer are just ballerina dogs
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
[inventing baby carrots] kids hate vegetables but they LOVE choking