Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
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The pen is writier than the sword.
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
You have hopes and dreams. I have nopes and screams.
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience