@RubyMay83700676

Ugh.

Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs

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@rons_post

*opens instagram*

yep, everyone’s life is still better than mine

*closes instagram*

*opens twitter*

ah yes. my fellow trash bretheren.

@sween

I can’t imagine how stressed Americans are feeling right now. I’m Canadian and I’m chugging maple syrup and just punched a moose.

@MommaUnfiltered

I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.

@MumInBits

Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework

@BradBroaddus

Some guy just passed toilet paper under the stall without me even asking. I’m not sure if he is a pervert or a wizard.

@RyanKeith15

Drugs don’t kill people. People that don’t have drugs kill people.

@TheAndrewNadeau

INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.

TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?