yep, everyone’s life is still better than mine
ah yes. my fellow trash bretheren.
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
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I can’t imagine how stressed Americans are feeling right now. I’m Canadian and I’m chugging maple syrup and just punched a moose.
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Some guy just passed toilet paper under the stall without me even asking. I’m not sure if he is a pervert or a wizard.
Drugs don’t kill people. People that don’t have drugs kill people.
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?