[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
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Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
I got soap in my shower beer again.
The opposite of Iceland is water water
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
This will never not be funny 😭
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
My brain is a bad influence on me
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.