Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
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Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
Yeah I can explain that gap on my resume – I tried to move a picture in Word
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
jesus, what did this guy do
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
3yo: 🎵 You’re my best friend. 🎵
Me: Awe. You’re my best friend too.
3yo: No. I’m singing a song. Not telling you you are my best friend.
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Hate when you hire a shady mercenary in a tavern by throwing them a leather purse of gold coins they never give you the purse back. Im getting fucking murdered on leather purses here
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
My daughter is now a licensed driver and we had her go out to pick us up some dinner.
Y’all, it took 16 years, but I got my own Uber Eats driver now
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit