Ugh Starbucks spelled my name right again and now I have nothing to Instagram.

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Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.


[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes


CW: Can I ask you something?
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had coffee.
CW: But you don’t drink coffee.
Me: *smiles and continues to work


*First Date*
Her: I kind of like an old-fashioned guy.
Me, trying to impress her: *Dies of dysentery*


I hate when I think of a great tweet and discover someone did it already. It’s like that time I invented the wheelbarrow.


Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake

Me: aww you must really love cake

Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess


The scary moment when the person you just watched sneeze in their hand wants to shake your hand


I don’t mean to brag about my patience, but I just waited 5 whole seconds before passing a student driver and flicking them off.