Ugh Starbucks spelled my name right again and now I have nothing to Instagram.

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If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school


Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.

My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?



My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.


*drops cheese*

You: Five second rule!

Pet owners: lol


I was gonna go to a New Year’s Eve party, but the invite said “bring your significant other,” & I don’t feel like unhooking my TV.


I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.


Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!

I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.


George Michael: I hope you like it

me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have

[the very next day]

me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away


To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.