Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
Ugh Starbucks spelled my name right again and now I have nothing to Instagram.
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Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
CW: Can I ask you something?
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had coffee.
CW: But you don’t drink coffee.
Me: *smiles and continues to work
Her: I kind of like an old-fashioned guy.
Me, trying to impress her: *Dies of dysentery*
I hate when I think of a great tweet and discover someone did it already. It’s like that time I invented the wheelbarrow.
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
The scary moment when the person you just watched sneeze in their hand wants to shake your hand
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
I don’t mean to brag about my patience, but I just waited 5 whole seconds before passing a student driver and flicking them off.