Ugh. Still no word from Disney about my RATATOUILLE sequel, where Remy the rat finds himself controlled by an even smaller creature. I was hoping to sell FLEA MIGNON by the end of May.
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Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
two bros having a conversation in the 1700s like “omg we should totally start a pamphlet”
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
Imagine sex with me – no, more hot dogs
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
my daughter just announced to me her favorite subject is math & I’m totally aghast.
girl, there are not FIVE degrees in English literature between your parents for you to like math. please.
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
I want what they have
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
I just turned on my car’s seat warmer to keep my Chipotle order warm in case you wondered how seriously I take Taco Tuesday.
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
On the face of it alcohol is so funny – you can take a potion that makes you so good at driving the government has to make it illegal
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…