Ugh. Still no word from Disney about my RATATOUILLE sequel, where Remy the rat finds himself controlled by an even smaller creature. I was hoping to sell FLEA MIGNON by the end of May.
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There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
The internet is full of many things
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
Feels like there should be a middle ground
A Toronto restaurant has banned actor Zachary Quinto for throwing a tantrum during brunch. If you don’t know who Zachary Quinto is, he’s best known for throwing a tantrum at a Toronto restaurant during brunch.
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
sin harder.
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
when someone rings the doorbell
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake