Ugh. Still no word from Disney about my RATATOUILLE sequel, where Remy the rat finds himself controlled by an even smaller creature. I was hoping to sell FLEA MIGNON by the end of May.
You Might Also Like
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
Wife: any ideas for dinner this week and don’t you dare say hot dogs
Me:
Wife:
Me: frankfurters
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
are there any atheist mantises?
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
anyone else like Italian cereal
