Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
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coworker: we’re all gonna go to dinner next thursday. you in?
me: no thanks i’m not hungry
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
A gym so fancy they call it a James.