Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
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Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
Climax comes before effort, but only in a dictionary.
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.