Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
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The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
She puts the hot in psychotic
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens: