Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
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I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
Streamers say ‘mods’ the same way a medieval lord would say ‘guards’
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
Don’t hate me because I can fall asleep within seconds; hate me because I can sleep through the night without having to get up to go to the bathroom.
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
he looks great for his age
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.