Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
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I bet Wile E. Coyote went near suicidal when he discovered DoorDash after spending millions on delivery for ACME products.
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
me: can you turn into this mcdonald’s
my uber, bumblebee: i can only do robot
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
The next time someone does one of those ‘write a 3 word horror story’ competitions, I’m going to enter this picture.
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
not gonna lie it was a little disturbing to learn that a large amount of the post-apocalyptic jargon in Mad Max / Furiosa is actually just regular Australian slang
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
Most of those “my OF is just…” jokes are actually brilliant ideas I’d pay to see. Baking cookies topless? That sounds very entertaining
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
Me: “Wait. You want me to go out shopping, pay for the presents, wrap them up, and then tell my family and friends they were from you?”
Santa: “I mean, when you say it like that it sounds kinda bad.”