Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
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my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
Oops
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
I thought this was funny lol
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.