Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
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I bought a 12 year old whiskey. His parents are furious
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
Hilarious if literal: arms race
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
Awesome parenting 😂
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
Wife: Don’t leave knives out near the kitchen door. What if a burglar broke in and used it?
Me *patiently explains why this is ridiculous*[later]
Me *being stabbed to death by burglar using our kitchen knife* “please dont! Use something else! Anything else!”
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
Vin Diesel’s Family Restaurant, now open for breakfast, featuring:
🥞 The Breakfast and the Breakfurious
🍳 2 Eggs 2 Sausages
🥛 xXx-tra Spicy Bloody Mary
🍍 I AM FRUIT
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*