Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.

Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.

Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.

willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen

me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail

willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-

me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed

willy wonka:

me: how did- how could they have prepared

are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men

me and who

Where’s Waldo?

*Leans in*

Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither

I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.

My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.

i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room

Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.

The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.

*watches a house fall on you*

*steals your shoes*

Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares

Are these fish:

A. A different species

B. The same species

C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related

Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.

Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.

I paid for for the sled.

The kids weren’t doing it right.

And it was my turn.

Good Cop: Book ’em.

Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.

unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)

Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.

my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva

[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has

There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school

Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.

Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..

Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.

My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.