Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?

Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.

The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable

[Sirens]
Dude open the door!

*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!

What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?

i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines

9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.

Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?

Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.

I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.

Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons

I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”

11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!

*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*

Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?

Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations

Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?

Her: awww. Like the day we met?

Him: No, before that.

doctor: the good news is you’re dying

me: how is that good news??

doctor: i don’t like you

Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.

6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?

Taxidermist: He will not

I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.

INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course

The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:

“How I Met Your Mothra”

So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.

I’m definitely a ten

…tative 4

99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.

There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.

Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.

Me: Okay. *starts running*

*halley’s comet goes by*

*trainer dies of old age*

*halley’s comet passes again*

*the sun dies*

*final episode of the simpsons airs*

Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!

me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*

This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan

I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻‍♂️

babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*

You hang up

“No, you hang up”

You hang up first!

– Bats going to bed