If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
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Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
Imagine having a party on purpose.
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
Them: Just act casual
Me:
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*