Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
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“you added a trusted device” I trust all devices. If a device harms me I probably deserved it
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
🤣😂🤣😂
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
Tonight my wife is making us watermelon mojitos and if you think you can’t find true love on the Internet well you’re wrong because that’s where she found the recipe.
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
8: What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me: I want you to do some chores.
8: That’s not special, though. You always ask us to do chores.
Me: Yes. The special part will be if you actually do them.
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*