Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.

On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.

Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents

Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?

“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”

I’ve been playing fast and loose with expiration dates ever since I watched a documentary about a British man who lives entirely off road kill.

There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.

Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions

How to handle a one night stand the next morning:

1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it

What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?

If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.

If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂

“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.

I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.

My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.

Me: One coffee please.

Barista: Name for the cup?

Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.

I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.

me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that

Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?

Therapist: let go of my collar

[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”

What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?

Well I couldn’t give two hoots.

Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.

“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”

Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?

I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.

Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?

Patient: I can’t say I do.

Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.

Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale

Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects

Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again

8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.

Me: You were only at school for two days.

8: You weren’t there.

Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’

Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”

Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”

Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”