Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.

KID: Where’s grandma?

DAD: She’s in a better place now

KID: Canada?

Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?

Magician: Abracadabra!

[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]

Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*

I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.

The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet

I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.

“How many people have you slept with?”

– Someone who wants to hear a lie

*I need to eat better*

post donut clarity

DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish

SNAIL WIFE: Oh no

HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT

“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”

[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]

‘Nam…

Of course I look tired, it’s hard pretending to be awake.

Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”

My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.

I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.

If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.

A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.

Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband

Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?

Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis

Priest: that’s not really-

Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”

Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this

DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!

i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass

Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over

Please don’t cry

Seeing your tears makes me have to pee

Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?

true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”

Pro Tip:

If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!

Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!

– Incinerational Tweet

Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.

I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.

My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.

support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas

Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers

Taxidermist: you’re fired