Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.

Planet of the Apps.

A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.

Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire

When will people magazine have the balls to tell us who the sexiest dead guy is

Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:

• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych ward

It’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.

Game developer: his name is Donkey

Nintendo: nice

Developer: he’s a gorilla

Nintendo: ok twist

Developer: who wears a necktie

Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?

Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?

Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking

This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.

I think I may need professional help…

A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!

Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?

I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.

My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu

This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️

Yelp: Its prison ma’am.

*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital

I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.

Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that

The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.

Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG

-me watching a toddler put shoes on

Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.

It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters

Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?

1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato

even bears disappoint their mothers

I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.

Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.

Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?

Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.

Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids

When you have to marry your mother-in-law

Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.

Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok

[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks

Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”

Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”

Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing