Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”

Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise

5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.

I have never related to anyone more.

A closed mouth gathers no fries.

Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.

Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.

*hangs up*

Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-

Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places

Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?

Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney

Me: School starts in a few days.

7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.

Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.

Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.

After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.

Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.

You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.

the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards

I like men who play hard to get.

So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.

It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99

If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.

I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.

My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining

My 10yo: but not pouring

Me: and the old man is not snoring

6yo:

10yo:

Me:

6yo: YOU’RE an old man

Me: 😑

Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.

I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.

As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.

Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw

Wordle 241 1/6

🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩

Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!

No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott

The Last Dance just keeps getting better

me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.

lawyer: i think you mean alleged.

me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.

1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.

2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.

Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…

and he says, “prolly.”