“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
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Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
Vacation = Taking time off from work and going traveling.
Staycation = Taking time off from work and staying home.
Praycation = Still going to the office, but not doing any work and just praying you don’t get caught.