“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
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Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
Found my door mat
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
“tom cruise does his own stunts” ok? so do i. i just have fewer stunts to do. fewer stunts are being asked of me
Truly one of the great bangers
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
Someone has just suggested that when we check-in cases, we should put a label on them that states their destination. Absolute game changer.
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!