“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
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Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
Hey that’s my circus! *does double take* And my monkeys!!
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
Produce goes bad three times faster when you’re the one who paid for it. It’s science!
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
Grab your brass knuckles, we’re heading to the Waffle House.
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok