“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
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When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
Baking instructions should be:
Cook it until you smell it, then go take looksee.
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
my fav colour is also hitler
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
Cause of death: Zumba
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
found my next D&D character name
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
There should be a Jaws sequel where the shark finally gets arrested for his crimes and goes to jail.
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.