‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
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me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
Rare image of an elk stepping on a Lego.
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
honey, bring out the fine china.
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Dolls on drugs
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
Seriously considering the offer of this guy on the train howling “does anyone want to get married?! I’m 48 years old!!” Might be the best deal I’m going to get at this point
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.