Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’

DINOSAUR PARTY

TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-Rex

T-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.

I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that

I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.

I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.

“You said, and I quote, ‘Make me a bowl of food.’”

“This is why no one likes you, Jeff.”

*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*

Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.

Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.

*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft

Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real

the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”

Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.

“and who is your primary care doctor” buddy it’s 2024. are you also gonna ask me who my butler is or where I’ve parked my lamborghini, be for real

Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.

I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.

Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.

🎶It’s like 10,000 steps when all you need is a nap🎶

when you order from DoorDastardly

I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.

*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*

This weekend, I’m taking an Uber to visit my parents, and then tipping extra so the driver does the visiting for me while I wait in the car. With the savings on my therapy bill, it should all balance out.

Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York

If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.

Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.

I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.

people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese

How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?

Do you smoke after sex?

Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”

Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you