Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?

It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.

A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings

All-purpose flour out there like screw you single-use flours I can do anything

[sitting around a bonfire]

Friend: This is so peaceful

My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”

me: I’m stuck in a time loop

friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight

me: my watch is on too tight 🙂

Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.

[single drop of rain falls on ground]

Person Who Knows the Word “Petrichor”: I love the smell of petrichor.

In my will, when I die…

To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.

So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?

*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*

‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.

Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again

being a social worker is crazy because those are literally my 2 least favorite things

Dishonest mechanic?

Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.

Him: It’s a police report.

Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses

[alternative timeline]

Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school

Hitler: [clenches fists]

Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist

I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.

So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything

want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever

Merry Christmas…in my pants

Happy New Year…in my pants

Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.

The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.

My neck my back my allergy attack

I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.

taylor swift should write a song about people who don’t return their shopping carts to the corrals

If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future

So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.

Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.

if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you

i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt