Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[calling my fav Jamaican takeout joint to find out which day chef, the Jerk King, is not there]

me: when is the Jerk King off?

chef: what

Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!

[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”

The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.

Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.

Plumber: I think I found the problem

For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.

“That was supposed to be a compliment.”

-Men

This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.

[during home renovation]

My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!

Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.

my pug got a pup cup today from the starbucks drive thru while safely strapped into his car seat just like his wolf ancestors

Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?

[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out

I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.

Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.

I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.

‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”

Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long

“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”

If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.

How to have a good marriage:
1. Hold hands
2. Cuddle
3. Take out the trash like I have been telling you to do ALL DAY Craig

This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob

I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed

grampa: why are u always on ur phone

me: why didn’t u stop hitler

I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”

People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.

Sometimes you need to hug someone out…

…cold.

An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.

no one:

my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?

Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work