Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
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Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit