Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
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The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
This meal prepping shit easy
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
Where is your GOD now????
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion