Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.

I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.

Windchimes

Can’t tell who liked my tweet so from here on out, I will assume every like is coming from my crush.

Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”

I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.

Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.

Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.

[Animal Shelter]

Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”

Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”

Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”

My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.

ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*

Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died

he said he adored my imperfections.

and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????

if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back

me: if you love something, set it free

wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t

[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]

Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!

Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?

Wife: Never say never

My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.

When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.

[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!

anxiety is soooo crazy bc why do i have diarrhea cuz im scared of something that hasn’t happened yet. what purpose does this diarrhea serve evolutionary

[My son’s 1st day of school]

ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast

TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now

[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right

Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed

Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME

[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?

Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*

Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-

*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*

Her *softly* holy shit

I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.

By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers

[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]

Me: GET A JOB!!

Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby

Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!

HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.

Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?

Me: *panicking* coniferous

My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.