No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
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goldfish mafia
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy