Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.

You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?

That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.

4: “Can I have one?”

“No.”

4: “Okay just 2.”

“No.”

4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”

Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup

My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.

I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.

me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin

dermatologist: aloe

me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin

My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’

ALL week.

ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote

one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king

Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.

If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.

The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.

I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”

Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.

For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:

“sry that wsnt for u”

If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.

[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]

Why do you think people hate us so much?

“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”

[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat

*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*

Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?

I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.

If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.

Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.

How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?

Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard

Wife: *smirking* ok

Me: *pulls out my game boy*

If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.

Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…

You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.

Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull

I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.