Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sunday

If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly

DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.

Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.

Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.

Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community

god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no

What do you call it when one banana eats another?

Cannibananabalism.

#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌

Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason

[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin

Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced

[creating scorpions]

satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second

Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.

it sucks that brainwashing is a bad thing because generally speaking the idea of washing my brain sounds so nice

If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs

Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”

Her : You hang up first.

Me : *click*

Lo AND behold? in this economy?

[INTERVIEW]

HR: What are your strengths?

Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*

HR: Wow-Weaknesses?

Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*

[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]

“I brought chicken”

“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”

One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.

Look, a pure bread cat!

I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁

I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself

Twitter has ruined me.

Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.

My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?

Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.

Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news

Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?

Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth

Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot