Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is

GOOD COP: cover me!

DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug

“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”

*turns off lights*

*giggles*

People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.

not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex

casting director: whenever you’re ready

me: the name’s bond… james bond

casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns

me: no

Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach

Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”

{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?

“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”

Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?

Me: Stay at home couch accessory.

“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.

Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.

Friend: can I borrow £20?

Me: No.

*slides me £20

Friend: How about now?

Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”

Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.

My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?

Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries

Cable guy:

It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…

“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”

Me: how do I do taxes?

School: here’s a recorder

Me: what is a credit score?

School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this

Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?

School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.

me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?

Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?

Me: party?

“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.

UK and US word differences

UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns

*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !

Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:

lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones

4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled

I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!

(There is no school this week)

Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?

Me: A lot.