Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
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Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
spicy snake
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
True freaking story!
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse