Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
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My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
This lunch pairs well with watching 9 minutes of a tv show
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
Still cracks me up
