Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”

Missionary, so we can keep arguing

condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids

The three ages of bureaucrat:

Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?

Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings

Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings

The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.

I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.

Them: Party like it’s 1999

Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer

My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables

Let us remember him by his own last words: “Homemade jetpack, don’t fail me now.”

*Hour 3 in the trampoline park*

My oldest has said “watch this” 212 times

My youngest is running wild in a pack of feral six-year-olds

A woman screams in the distance “Jaden, Jaxon”

There is still no bar

Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you

Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell

Police:

I don’t know what I was expecting but, it was not that 😁

I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.

Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.

[donut shop]

me: I’ll take a bear claw

*loud roar from the back*

me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze

one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on

me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no

I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.

When I think about you, I touch myself.

In the face.

With my fist.

HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?

Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man

Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted

Interpreter: I can’t help u dude

Friend: Are you free this weekend?

Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse

Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”

Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask

Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me

Husband: But it’s just us and we are home

Me: *tightening mask*

It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child

See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket

Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?

So they could…..Scan da Navy in!

I made my wife sign a prenup because there was no way I was going to let her take half of my golden girls memorabilia collection.

Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.