“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
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It’s 97 degrees outside and my kids want to sit in the hot tub. The devil needs to come pick up his children
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
The train announcer just said we should keep our personal belongings with us at all times but I’ve left most of mine at home.
Someone wrote that today is like waiting for the results of a biopsy, except half your family hopes it’s cancer.
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
Slamming into a lamppost in a robotaxi, staggering out and calling another robotaxi to the hospital which also immediately drives into a lamppost
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
I wish my kid could throw a ball on the field as well as he throws a ball at something breakable in the house.
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no