“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
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“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
I’m the picture of health, but not a very flattering picture. I’m the passport photo of health.
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have