“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
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Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
Can’t stop laughing
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
paycheck hit. i’m at the bouldering gym like “bring out sisyphus”
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
The best part about your kids being sick is you get to see exactly how shitty you’re going to feel in 48 hours