Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
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I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
I have a PhD in minding my own business. I’m an uninterestedologist.
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
respect
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher