Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?

“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”

Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.

Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.

Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?

you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”

He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.

I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.

hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER

7-year-old: I found a penny.

Me: Good job.

7: How many more do I need for college?

Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.

My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.

My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.

This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?

I dumbed there ONE time and now this.

wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?

me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah

Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”

When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.

SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot

ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge

Just a friendly reminder!

*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”

Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?

Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight

Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)

Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge

Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*

Him: *puts bacon in the oven*

Me: You win

When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.

Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.

To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”

Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card

What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?

GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!

A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.

Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.

Me: And her parents are OK with this?

Researching blood spatter patterns to make tonight’s Shelf Elf display as technically accurate as possible

Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.

when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again

[on date]

Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.

Her: I think I’ll have a steak.

A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]