Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
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GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
😂🍻
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…