“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
You Might Also Like
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
Can you imagine… an archeologist… sweeping their house… with that tiny little broom
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
My husband refused to get glasses. But that was before he brushed his teeth with Preparation H.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
oh u like geography? name every lake
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.