“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
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Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
Can Happiness buy money?
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
The next James Bond should be weird. Like he wears a train conductor’s hat and he’s afraid of balloons
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
A big dipper? in this astronomy?
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?