Uh oh 👀
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For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
Mapping the Lickability of the Periodic Table
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
I like to record the results and statistics of female tennis players.
I do this on a Steffi Graph.
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you