Uh oh 👀
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To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
Never mess with a drunken pig.
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
Canadians are nice because they’re close to Santa
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out