Uh oh 👀
You Might Also Like
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him