Uh oh 馃憖
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[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there鈥檇 be bunnies
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma鈥檃m we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don鈥檛 want it to go to waste
I鈥檝e had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Being held captive can鈥檛 be all bad. At least you鈥檙e being held.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she鈥檚 trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
Hello, my voicemail is currently unavailable. To leave a message please speak slowly and clearly into the nearest toaster
The single greatest thing I鈥檝e done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
Me: I’m feeling my age today.
Son: Really? I thought the senses dulled during the late stages of life.
Me: Your sister is my favorite.
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.