Uh oh 👀
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Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
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TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
sales in 2004: buy 1 get 1 free
sales in 2024:
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”