Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐

me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs

boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right

Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.

A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.

Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.

*gets first nose bleed since childhood*

Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?

I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.

I don’t consider myself a controlling person.

Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?

The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.

If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.

Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!

Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.

I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous

*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM*

*Husband runs into bedroom*

H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?

Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.

People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.

Be vigilant

Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.

tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices

I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available

can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands

I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.

I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.

me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse

wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal

A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die

Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.

Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now

WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.

ME: Ok, I will.

[later that day]

ME: I quit

BOSS: WHAT??

ME: I said, nice squid

Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to

I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.

#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts