Uh oh š
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Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? Itās a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when weāre done you can just ghost me
PiƱatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
āWhatās the going rate for a neighborhood kid?ā is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg theyāre SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
Glasses
please sir. my hands. theyāre very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: thatās enough for you. NEXT
Oh youāre a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but theyāll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
Pennywise āI have alcohol down hereā
*All of Twitter goes missing*
Had to Google, āNice way to say selfishā for a recommendation today.
Ohhhhmygod my bra is showing? Should we tell everyone? Should we throw a dress code disciplinary meeting? Should we invite my middle school vice principal
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. Iām still sore.
me: because you didnāt win?
her:
If I know one thing for sure itās that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished theyād eaten more celery.
My neighbor said āI think the earth might be flat, sorry if Iām not politically correct.ā no youāre just regular incorrect
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if Iām innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man youāre sooooo going to get fired.
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
His and her closets is code for āshe gets two closets.ā
If it turns cold one more time Iām gonna put the Christmas tree back up
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
Interviewer: It says on your resume āattention to detailā
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says āattention to detailā
Iāll sleep when Iām dead but also every night so I donāt die.
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the menās restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?